It's been just over a month...

It's been just over a month since my father passed away. He had baldder cancer. He put up a good fight, and for the most part, even had a good attitude about the entire business. He told me once that he thought cancer was a business. Although it could kill you, lots of folks are making lots of money off of cancer.

I believe it is taking a huge emotional toll as well. Cancer robs your soul of so much worry. It slowly, or sometime quickly, kills those who have been given the horrible diagnosis that it is treminal no matter what they try. This was the case with my father, once they found the cancer had escaped the bladder, and took up residence in his lymph nodes.

Although my father and I were not as close as I longed us to be, we did have a relationship. I shared as much of my life with him as he would allow. Sadly, my children were not a part that he wanted to invest time in. It breaks my heart that he didn't get to know how intelligent and beautiful each one of them are. It breaks my heart that they will never know their grandfather. It's terribly sad that family circumstances, hurt feelings, and unforgiveness reign so previlently in our lives. Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" and move on?

I will ponder that question until the day I die, I'm sure. But in the meantime, I will not allow other people's choices to control my actions. I have vowed to forgive quickly, even if it hurts so badly I can't stand it, to do so. I have vowed to keep in touch, even if the other party refuses to do so. I have decided not to hold on to those things in which I cannot control, no matter how many times I need to let go, I will let it go! I also know that saying is one thing, and doing is another. I doubt it will be easy in all situations, but I am determined not to carry the baggage of hurt, shame, guilt and comdemnation any longer! Life is way to short for that heavy load!